25 things I've learned from wearing a clergy collar
Never wear it on Halloween, and other surprising experiences of a quarter century of ordained life.
25 years ago today, I first put on a clerical collar. I was ordained a deacon on June 19, 1999, at St. Philip’s Episcopal Church in Durham, NC. I became a priest six months later in New York City.
It was such a momentous occasion for me - fastening the symbol of my vocation around my neck, for all to see. Claiming the authority to speak of God to the community - and the world.
SO much has changed since then. The ministry I have today looks nothing like I thought it would - I’m a part-time priest in a small-town church, and a digital ministry evangelist, and an entrepreneurial clergy person.
But I still feel humbled wearing the collar, and all the things it has taught me.
So I thought I would make a list of the 25 most important things I’ve learned:
25. When I’ve had a long and stressful day, the little metal tab that holds the collar to the shirt leaves a small bruise on my throat. I think of it as a reminder of all the pain I carry with and for others.
24. It’s a symbol of God’s presence in the world. People notice it - though not as often as they used to.
23. There will be days when people buy my coffee or pay my bus fare. One woman - after paying for my meal at a diner - said I was the first female clergy person she’d ever seen (this was in the early 2000s).
22. On the other hand, I’m amazed how many people have no idea what it is. ‘That’s a pretty blouse’, a cashier once said to me. ‘I don’t get ‘pretty’ that often’, I responded, ‘because it’s a clergy shirt.’ ‘A what?’, she said in reply.
21. People want someone to pray for them - and for those they love. They will ask. ‘I hate to bother you…’, they will begin. It’s never a bother.
20. Inevitably, someone will be dressed as a priest on Halloween. I learned not to wear my collar on Oct. 31 in New York City, because people would ask where I got the cool costume.
19. Wearing a collar gives you entrance to any part of a hospital - except the operating room. I often feel I should have some kind of auxiliary healthcare certification, I’ve been present for so many procedures.
18. You will be asked to pray before any kind of group gathering or meal - have a prayer in mind already.
17. ‘Depart O Christian soul, out of this world; in the Name of God the Father Almighty who created you; in the name of Jesus Christ who redeemed you; in the name of the Holy Spirit who sanctifies you; may your rest be this day in peace, and your dwelling place in the Paradise of God.’
This is the prayer at the time of death. Memorize it. You will need it suddenly, and unprepared.
16. On one of those days when someone has predicted the Rapture is going to happen, people will ask you nervously joking questions about it at the gas station.
15. People will be afraid of swearing around you - even your husband-to-be.
14. You will rarely spend holidays with your family, especially if they don’t live near you.
13. You will learn so much about the depth and breadth of the pain humans inflict on each other that nothing will surprise you anymore.
12. At the same time, you will never stop being astonished by the miracles and beauty of God’s creation, and the power of Love to overcome all pain.
11. People will remember that you were there when someone they loved died. When I left a congregation I had been part of for a long time, the widow of a beloved parishioner held my hand and said, ‘the new priest will have never known him.’
10. You will mourn, too. And remember. You will dream of parishioners long gone; you’ll treasure the cards they sent you or the funny things they used to say. You will feel their presence at the altar.
9. People will project their feelings about God onto you. Not all of them will be good feelings. There will be yelling.
8. Being a clergy person is more dangerous than you think. I’ve been stalked, threatened, followed, and bullied. I’ve known several clergy who wear bullet-proof vests, or have off-duty police sit in their pews.
7. Congregations are really scared that their church is going to close.
6. Church is the last place where everyone sings - unselfconsciously making a joyful noise.
5. For MANY people, church is their only social network. It’s where they celebrate holidays, where people check on them and take care of them, sometimes where they get the best meal they’ll have all week.
4. Someone is in charge of every congregation. It’s not me.
3. There are no atheists in a room where someone is being born. Or someone is dying.
2. Being ordained is like being a celebrity (on a very tiny scale): you have to take seriously what other people think you’re like without knowing you, but you can never buy into it. I got a tattoo on the day I graduated from seminary to always remind me of the person I am, separate from the vocation I live.
1. Every time I put the collar on, I give thanks to God for the privilege.